The story of my life
can be summed up by
saying that I avoid looking
everyone I’ve ever loved
in the eyes.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone writes about me. If on tumblr somewhere, there’s some post about how someone met me, or felt about me. I just wonder..
Now that I think about how I’m perceived..I kinda get it. People think because I get dressed up all the time I’m superficial. And when I’m quiet or not really talking just with an unsure look on my face, they take it as me thinking I’m too good for them, stuck up. But in reality I’m just shy, awkward and don’t know what to say. lol it’s weird how perspectives make such a difference. Please everyone, don’t judge people by the way they act even. There could be so many explanations.
I’m a little more relieved. I’ve also figured out a little more on my way to reinvention. I am not drinking anymore. At least for this coming semester. I never thought I would say that. But lately, it’s been bad for me. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to drink and control myself. But I still have those nights. And I know there’s an alcohol problem in the family. So I shouldn’t even be drinking in the first place. It’s better if I don’t. I was always the sober but still as fun friend. Why did I ever stray from my ways? I think it’s pretty great to be that way. Be able to be a fun person without the need of alcohol or drugs. I’ve never done any drugs or smoked anything in my entire life. I stick to what I do or do not want to do. You would think people would look at me as not fun or not cool. But you know what? They don’t. When someone asks if I smoke or do drugs or when I tell people I don’t and never will, do you know what they say? “Wow, good for you. That’s really something.” They almost seem admirable. They also are in a way proud to see someone who doesn’t fall into peer pressure. Someone who stands up for her values. And I like being that person. I like being in control of my life.
I think the reason it doesn’t feel like Christmas to me this year is because I’ve realized the value of life. It isn’t about materialistic things. It’s about everything that you can’t buy in the stores. I used to think of Christmas in a selfish way up until now. Now I realize, everything I want, everything I need is within life itself. It’s emotions, relations, connections. It’s happiness.
Some people collect records,
They love going to old shops full of them.
For me, there’s nothing better than finding a breathless painting in a thrift store.
It’s like finding a jem in all the junk,
A diamond in the rough.
Even though I quite love thrift stores.
My hobby is searching through it all to find that one painting that speaks to me.
It was left as a 99¢ useless canvas,
But to me it’s loud imagery that strikes emotion, feelings, and moves me - art.
I want to keep helping people, I want them to feel better, but there’s only so much one can do. I feel like I should work on myself immensely before I start trying to be everyone’s saviour. I have been and it’s been good for me. But I need to really be happy with myself and love myself before I can anyone else. So I’m going to take some time for myself. My professor once told us to sit down one day and make a list. Make a list of what you like about yourself as a person and what you don’t like. “And I don’t mean all that appearance crap” she said. She was one of the wisest people I’ve come across. Looking back at her lecture that day, she made a good point. How can you love another person if you don’t love yourself yet? Also, now that I think about it, I’m still figuring out who I am exactly. So how could I take any other steps in life if I don’t yet have my full identity? This break shall be very progressive.
You know, I’ve learned a lot in the past few months. Some good things, some bad, some things I’ve just noticed. The first thing I noticed is the difference in values of different grade levels. It’s odd. Freshmen, they mostly are just looking to have fun, fool around, go crazy - no attachments. Sophomore also want to have fun but don’t go too crazy, they start thinking start to actually like people but are not quite sure if that’s what they want yet. Juniors, now they realize they’re getting to the end of their college experience. Their the ones that want real relationships. They see that although partying is fun, it’s not their definition of “fun” anymore. Seniors usually already are in relationships or focus more on having fun with their friends. It’s such a structure. At least in my college. Another thing I learned is that you shouldn’t believe a person who is always in a drunken stupor. You may think, “Oh, the truth comes out when someone has been drinking.” But no. I’ve wasted 2 months of my life striving for something I knew would never happen. In fact, I didn’t even know what I was striving for. That’s something else. You should always know what you want. My problems were probably all stemming from me never knowing exactly what I wanted. Another thing I’ve noticed is how sometimes guys can never see you as just friends. You have no idea how many guys I’ve talked to and once they knew I liked someone, dropped me completely. I would’ve liked to be their friend but I guess they were looking for one thing. I’ve learned true friends will always be there for you and can get you through anything. No matter how many times you bother them about the same damn thing, they don’t care. They will guide you the entire way. They will console you, sob with you, and care for you always. I’ve learned some people are better off as friends, and that’s what they were always supposed to be. I see that I always do the same things that annoy everyone I’ve ever talked to. I realize I should stop. Stop making things awkward, I should initiate things and let people know I care. I learned to listen to my own conscience rather than someone else’s. I’ve learned not to be reckless and careless. It’s not who I am. Most importantly, I learned to be myself. For a while, I was straying from everything I ever stood for. If I looked at myself in the mirror then, I don’t know if I’d say I’m proud of who I’ve become. But now I realize. I realize it all. I should never be anything other than myself, I should never have any ideals different. However, I’m glad I got to this point. Because if I hadn’t gone through all that, I wouldn’t value me as I am. I have learned, I shall always be myself. I have learned so much and want to share it for others to know. So this is me. Take it or leave it. xoxo
You know what I love?
I love knowing I have secrets of myself.
They aren’t meant to be a secret, they are just things to know about me.
They are a secret to strangers and acquaintances.
But it’s such a lovely feeling that certain people didn’t know certain things about me.
It makes me feel like I have so much left.
I didn’t give them everything I am.
So those people I must forget and leave in my past, sure I gave them a lot of me.
But oh the satisfaction I get for still having things for myself.
It makes me feel like “Yes, you can surely shake me, but no one can ever break me.”